How to Recognize a Gay Bar

15 Mar

If you are incredibly obtuse or maybe just a little backward this article may be for you.

Perhaps I’m just used to living in big cities with progressive populations, but to my mind identifying a gay bar is about as easy as recognizing a Chinese restaurant.  If I’m wrong, you may benefit from knowing that “Many bars that don’t advertise themselves as gay will let the public know of their true orientation with a well-thought-out name.” Yes, if the bar is called The Tool Box, The Manhole or The Cockpit, it probably a gay bar (or a carpenters’, sewer workers’ or pilots’ bar respectively).

If you’re still uncertain, just ask a patron. Indeed, if you’re ever in an unfamiliar bar and you’re not sure just pull up a seat beside a stranger, look into his eyes and casual ask, “excuse me sir, would this perchance be a homosexual establishment?” Surely nothing bad could result from that.

"Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place. I know. This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap ladies!"

How to Recognize a Gay Bar | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2188642_recognize-gay-bar.html#ixzz1GiCVSBly

Homemade Weed Vaporizer

13 Mar

I imagine that there are a lot of really disappointed stoners trying to figure out what the fuck this article is about. A weed vaporizer is — as a simple Google search will tell you — a device for smoking pot. This eHow “author” has managed to come up with some ridiculous article about a vinegar concoction that will vaporize your garden weeds.

This reminds me of the time Otto visits Stoner’s Pot Palace on The Simpsons. Flagrant false advertising.

"Man, that is flagrant false advertising!"

Homemade Weed Vaporizer | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_6605804_homemade-weed-vaporizer.html#ixzz1GR30nZGM

How to Unlock Locks

27 Feb

Where does the key go?

If I Google “how to unlock locks” I’m probably interested in something to do with lock picking or locksmithing. Unfortunately for me, if I stumble on this link, eHow doesn’t have much in the way of skilled writers who might know something about locksmithing. The result is that I get a piece of garbage article that explains that I need a key to unlock a lock (which, admittedly, is pretty good advice if I am visiting from Mars).

What I like about this article is that the writer has some balls and basically gives a big fuck you to his employer by writing a sarcastic piece that points out the stupidity of eHow and then takes his $15 pay.

Here’s my favorite part:

“When faced with a locked door, your choices are many, but only two are generally permitted. If the locked door leads into a building or a space within a building, knock on the door and request entry. If knocking on the door proves fruitless and fails to provide you with access to the space, your socially-acceptable choices become more limited. You must obtain, through proper channels, a key to the space.”

Solid gold!

If you want to know how to open a combination lock, there’s probably a separate eHow article for that.

Read more: How to Unlock Locks | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_6534151_unlock-locks.html#ixzz1F6zDw528

How to Figure Out the Demand Media Business Model

25 Feb

Garbage in, garbage out.

The article purports to teach you how to understand the business model of Demand Media (the owner of eHow), and yet the author does not appear to grasp the model at all.

The fact that an eHow writer does not understand the Demand Media model is actually a very good summary of the model itself, which is this: hire a shit-load of people who have basic literary skills and pay them the bare minimum to crank out as many articles as possible. Research, quality and knowledge not required.

How would you describe the DMS business model?

How to Figure Out the Demand Media Business Model | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4612723_figure-demand-media-business-model.html#ixzz1F0s1Cjvi

How to Become a Gigolo

4 Feb

"Dress well when you become a gigolo. Most well-heeled women like their boy-toys to look good so they can show them off to friends and family. If you can't afford at least one Armani suit, improvise as best you can with less expensive styles."

eHow has an article on how to be a man-whore?!?! Well no, actually. The author explains that a “gigolo differs from a male escort because a gigolo tends to form an emotional bond with his benefactress over time”.

Although this article is primarily aimed at men who are looking to be career gigolos, it also offers some sage advice for relationships in general, reminding men to “play to her vulnerabilities” and “most importantly, be good to her in the bedroom”.

Read more: How to Become a Gigolo | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2073630_become-gigolo.html#ixzz1D2Mwh18X

Update: DMS has removed this gem. You can still see it here:

http://web.archive.org/web/20080121143837/http://www.ehow.com/how_2073630_become-gigolo.html

How to Be the Bobby Knight of Pee Wee Basketball

1 Feb

"Tossing a metal folding chair across the floor in the midst of a game is a foolish act that could easily hurt someone. So only do it when you're losing."

This article is actually pretty awesome. The author took a ridiculous title and produced a hilarious how-to.

If you don’t know, Bobby Knight is the winningest coach in NCAA basketball history. He is also the most yellingest and ill-tempered coach in sports history.

This article offers up some solid advice on how to use Bobby Knight’s tactics when coaching kids’ basketball, like “grabbing a player by the neck to get their attention is just an awful way to teach anyone; so only do it to the kids that are really horsing around” and “let the kids know that while your tactics may seem harsh at times, everything you do is with their best interests in mind. Sure it’s hogwash, but hey they’re ten–they might buy it!”

This article is actually way too good for eHow.

How to Be the Bobby Knight of Pee Wee Basketball | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2037147_bobby-knight-pee-wee-basketball.html#ixzz1Cjw9TSN6

Update: eHow has decided to deprive readers of this beauty. See it here: http://web.archive.org/web/20080612111031/http://www.ehow.com/how_2037147_bobby-knight-pee-wee-basketball.html

How to Have Relations in a Public Restroom

29 Jan

This brings new meaning to the term public relations.

"Use the handicapped stall if possible. The benefits are more space and those handy metal bars on each wall."

The author of the article deserves some serious credit for having the cajones to write and submit this ridiculous how to. The highlight of this article, in my opinion, is the list of things you will need which lists only paper towels.

The article offers practical advice such as: “The easiest position in a public stall is what is usually referred to as ‘doggy style’ with the woman facing forward and the man behind her. So ladies, lay down a few paper towels and place one knee on the toilet seat (seat down) and the other knee against the wall with your leg resting on the toilet paper dispenser.” I’m not really sure that the term “ladies” is appropriate in this situation.

When it comes to describing the actual deed, the article is less specific, saying simply “start having relations”.

Stay classy eHow.

How to Have Relations in a Public Restroom | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4556546_have-relations-public-restroom.html#ixzz1CX1XiY7L

How to Get a Japanese Girlfriend

22 Jan

The title uses the possessive term “get” and refers to possessing someone of a

According to eHow this is what your Japanese girlfriend will look like... no stereotypes here.

specific race. Get milk, bread, coffee, Japanese girlfriend. I don’t see how this can possibly lead to anything offensive.

This article actually displays an in depth knowledge of Japanese culture, noting that all Japanese women act and dress like 18th century Geishas and that if you want to “snag” a Japanese girlfriend you will have to woo her with karaoke.

How to Get a Japanese Girlfriend | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2322085_get-japanese-girlfriend.html#ixzz1CWlpPPfo

How to Hide Assets in a Divorce

15 Jan

"Hiding assets is illegal and can be punishable by law" -- but who cares right?

 

This article begins by warning the reader that hiding assets during a divorce is illegal — and then goes on to offer a step by step set of instructions on how to do it.

The worst part of this article isn’t the fact that it offers instructions on how to commit fraud, it’s the fact that it offers bad instructions on how to commit fraud. Rather than offering some insight into how be creative with your accounting, it suggests “open a bank account in Canada or even Switzerland and transfer all money to those new bank accounts”. Easy peasy.

The article does offer one solid piece of advice, however: “if a friend is helping you hide money you must make sure they are trustworthy”. Remember, the person helping you to commit fraud should always be an upstanding, respectable  and trustworthy person.

How to Hide Assets in a Divorce | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2314242_hide-assets-divorce.html#ixzz1CWWRgAO2

How to Light Farts on Fire

8 Jan

And to think, some people don't think eHow is a respectable resource.

 

eHow claims to be a source for “how to do just about everything”. Apparently this includes the utterly stupid and useless.

I was sceptical, but truth be told, this article does offer sound advice such as “Make sure you have a good supply of gas built up in your system. Eat beans, apples, raw oatmeal or anything that you know increases your flatulence”.

How to Light Farts on Fire | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2106341_light-farts-fire.html#ixzz1CWQZVk69

%d bloggers like this: