How to Have Relations in a Public Restroom

This brings new meaning to the term public relations.

"Use the handicapped stall if possible. The benefits are more space and those handy metal bars on each wall."

The author of the article deserves some serious credit for having the cajones to write and submit this ridiculous how to. The highlight of this article, in my opinion, is the list of things you will need which lists only paper towels.

The article offers practical advice such as: “The easiest position in a public stall is what is usually referred to as ‘doggy style’ with the woman facing forward and the man behind her. So ladies, lay down a few paper towels and place one knee on the toilet seat (seat down) and the other knee against the wall with your leg resting on the toilet paper dispenser.” I’m not really sure that the term “ladies” is appropriate in this situation.

When it comes to describing the actual deed, the article is less specific, saying simply “start having relations”.

Stay classy eHow.

How to Have Relations in a Public Restroom | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_4556546_have-relations-public-restroom.html#ixzz1CX1XiY7L

How to Get a Japanese Girlfriend

The title uses the possessive term “get” and refers to possessing someone of a

According to eHow this is what your Japanese girlfriend will look like... no stereotypes here.

specific race. Get milk, bread, coffee, Japanese girlfriend. I don’t see how this can possibly lead to anything offensive.

This article actually displays an in depth knowledge of Japanese culture, noting that all Japanese women act and dress like 18th century Geishas and that if you want to “snag” a Japanese girlfriend you will have to woo her with karaoke.

How to Get a Japanese Girlfriend | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_2322085_get-japanese-girlfriend.html#ixzz1CWlpPPfo

How to Hide Assets in a Divorce

"Hiding assets is illegal and can be punishable by law" -- but who cares right?

 

This article begins by warning the reader that hiding assets during a divorce is illegal — and then goes on to offer a step by step set of instructions on how to do it.

The worst part of this article isn’t the fact that it offers instructions on how to commit fraud, it’s the fact that it offers bad instructions on how to commit fraud. Rather than offering some insight into how be creative with your accounting, it suggests “open a bank account in Canada or even Switzerland and transfer all money to those new bank accounts”. Easy peasy.

The article does offer one solid piece of advice, however: “if a friend is helping you hide money you must make sure they are trustworthy”. Remember, the person helping you to commit fraud should always be an upstanding, respectable  and trustworthy person.

How to Hide Assets in a Divorce | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_2314242_hide-assets-divorce.html#ixzz1CWWRgAO2

How to Light Farts on Fire

And to think, some people don't think eHow is a respectable resource.

 

eHow claims to be a source for “how to do just about everything”. Apparently this includes the utterly stupid and useless.

I was sceptical, but truth be told, this article does offer sound advice such as “Make sure you have a good supply of gas built up in your system. Eat beans, apples, raw oatmeal or anything that you know increases your flatulence”.

How to Light Farts on Fire | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_2106341_light-farts-fire.html#ixzz1CWQZVk69

How to Put on a Speedo

"Hook an index finger inside the legband at the bottom on each side, run the fingers toward each other to the crotch area. This will make sure that all parts that are supposed to be tucked in are tucked in. If necessary, adjust your penis. Some men prefer to lay it up and others tuck it down; the choice is yours as long as it is enclosed completely."

I would never search the internet to learn how to put on a pair of swim trunks — that’s just plain dumb. A Speedo on the other hand, that’s a whole other story; a Speedo is exotic, European and apparently highly complicated. You can’t just step through the legs of your banana hammock, it requires a great deal of skill and training — or so eHow would have me believe.

This highly informative instructional details the steps involved in putting on a Speedo from step one, trimming your mankini line, to step 5, how to tuck your junk.

 

 

How to Put on a Speedo | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_4894103_put-speedo.html#ixzz1CWOW5cpm

How to Find Nemo Baby Bedding

"Go to a website that sells "Finding Nemo" baby bedding."

Nothing makes it more painfully obvious that eHow’s titles are computer generated than when a search term like “Finding Nemo” gets mangled into “how to find Nemo”.

This article should quiet any critics of eHow who believe that it is simply a content mill. This article will surely help anyone to “find Nemo baby bedding” with advice like this:

1: Open a web browser on your computer.

2: Go to a website that sells “Finding Nemo” baby bedding.

3: Select the style and bedding size and click the “Buy Now” or “Add to Cart” button.

How to Find Nemo Baby Bedding | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_7810506_nemo-baby-bedding.html#ixzz1CWw5vbXF

How to Terminate a Suicidal Employee

When you fire his ass, he's probably going to jump... just be ready for that.

I thought this article was going to give me advice on how to put my suicidal employee out of his misery. Apparently eHow isn’t quite that callous, but this article comes pretty close.

This piece contains some real gems about handling this sensitive mental health issue, such as “cover yourself legally” and “you may also want to include a witness in the room during the termination meeting if you are not experienced in firing workers who may become violent”.

The real toppers are the photo accompanying the article, which shows your former employee’s point of view from atop the office building and the classification of this activity as “moderately easy”.

How to Terminate a Suicidal Employee | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_6776771_terminate-suicidal-employee.html#ixzz1CWBF5G9D

How to Eat a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

8 steps WTF?!?

There’s this PB&J sammich that’s been sitting in front of me all day and for the life of me I can’t figure out what to do with it. Thank God that eHow is there to provide me with an eight step process for eating it.

How to Eat a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_2384365_eat-peanut-butter-jelly-sandwich.html#ixzz1CXA2MyCA

How to Identify a Vampire

He Could be a vampire.

If you have a pasty skinned friend who never sees the light of day, he’s probably just a geek who prefers a mmorpg to real human interaction. OR — he could be a vampire! Fortunately eHow offers some advice on recognizing a vampire.

Signs that someone may be a vampire include “biting your neck hard enough to draw blood and not apologizing for it” and “they have larger canine teeth”.

How to Identify a Vampire | eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_2156947_identify-vampire.html#ixzz1CXIRplIl

How to Have a Tom Hanks Movie Marathon

If you really want to have a Tom Hanks movie marathon, but you don’t know

Watching Tom Hanks movies is a surprisingly complicated 19 step process.

how to do it, I don’t think that a 19 step guide will help you all that much.

This article essentially repeats one step over and over, “watch movie X starring Tom Hanks”.

How to Have a Tom Hanks Movie Marathon | eHow.co

http://www.ehow.com/how_4549542_have-tom-hanks-movie-marathon.html#ixzz1CXO6oneL